You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
