I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We don't watch enough power rangers
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
