I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
