College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
