on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
