so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
