I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
