Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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