I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
