it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize