Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
