Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i need some magic done to my vagina
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
