It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
