I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
