I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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