There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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