please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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