I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
