Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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