I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
