Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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