I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
