Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
