i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
