My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize