what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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