can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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