my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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