It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
