I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we're making bets on your personal life
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
