i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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