so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
