Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
