Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
