im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
