I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
