Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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