You can't motorboat a personality
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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