Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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