k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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