Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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