we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
