I wanna bring you to show and tell
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
