Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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