Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize