in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
