I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
