dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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