No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
