I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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