By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
