I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize