There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
