Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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