So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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