I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
