I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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