and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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