No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
