I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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